Follow by Email

Search This Blog

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

an offering from the bird

so, you've met the kids. Raven, the one girl among all that testosterone, has learned to deal with what life and brothers throw her, in a philosophical and humorous bent. in retalliation, they call her, sometimes affectionately, sometimes, disparagingly, "the bird".

about a year ago, eldest son Mitchell took it into his head that he must contribute his part to saving the planet, by joining the military. being raised by one of those mislead parents who believed guns are not toys, and wouldn't let him play with them, he seems to have rebounded in the opposite direction from his poor, foolish mummy. the universe, however, conspired against him, and he wasn't able to complete boot camp, much to his disgust, and my relief. but it raised quite a stir in the family. Below is the email his sister sent round once she'd recovered from the initial shock. no, she didn't actually implement any of her schemes, so she was not responsible for his disappointment.


Greetings from your flatland kin,

I just got a call from my mother today verifying that my older lemming, Er I mean sibling has officially joined with the armed forces. While I'm usually a big fan of natural selection I'm still harboring secret hopes of eventually having a niece or nephew for Brooklyn and since Kathie and I have yet to discuss her future reproductive plans, Luke is still far too young, and David seems well on his way to creating the first Robo-wife, Mitchell is still my best bet. On that uplifting note I thought I'd share a few random plots I've been incubating just in case the psychiatric evaluation proves to be less than thorough and additional steps are needed to preserve his Canadian bacon.

1) Accidents happen, especially to Mitchell. The untimely loss of a few toes or perhaps a trusty trigger finger would certainly have a negative impact on anyone needing to pass a military physical without greatly affecting the social life of the unfortunate victim, after all chicks dig scars. One possible winter scenario involves a large bottle of vodka, a cauterizing knife, grape kool-aid to simulate gangrene, and a Hawaiian pizza. Ok, the pizza was just in case I got hungry.

2)Despite the expanding of the world market and liberated TV censorship (with the exception of a few interesting web sites) today’s military remains as red-neck and blatantly homophobic as ever. A simple tweaking of his kit bag on the way to basic training, say an exchange of all of his boxers for something a little more wearable, like a few tasteful lace thongs (Victoria’s secret is doing some great things in camouflage this season), along with some alternative reading material and a scantily clad masculine photo or two and we'll have him back faster than you can say "Rifle Drill".

3)If all else fails perhaps we could try reasoning with him. Even ignoring the fact that he was probably voted "most likely to shoot own foot off" by his graduating class it could be he just needs a little assistance in isolating the underlying needs that have lead to his latest life choices. For example if he wants to see the world he could explore a fast paced and exciting career as an airhostess (never underestimate the element of danger added by the possibility of developing a sudden peanut allergy). Or if he feels he needs to seek a deeper meaning in life, he might consider joining a nice cult or religious splinter cell (not only are they better funded than the Canadian military, they also tend to have more modern equipment and more firepower)


10 comments:

granny p said...

So glad to find such support for military values. (I particularly like the camouflage thongs...)

susan said...

Glad to hear he failed boot-lick camp. I think Raven may have got some good vibe hits in - one never knows, do one?

lindsaylobe said...

Raven sounds like she certainly capable of holding her own with all of her siblings; they better look out as she a smart cookie and very witty, like yourself ?
Best wishes

lindsaylobe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
gfid said...

penelope - to put this in perspective, i'll tell you Raven is our family fashionista. she always looks like something off the cover of Vogue magazine. Elder bro, on the other hand, is happiest up to his waist in a creek fly fishing or rappelling across a cliff.

susan - boot-lick camp!!! i'm going to have to borrow that! though none of the fellows will admit it, and they tease her mercilessly, they all know that their sister is the most sensible one of the bunch.

lindsay - yes, R is a match for any of them, and she's had a clever way with words since she was a wee thing... and much smarter than her mum - she doesn't have to learn things the hard way quite so much as i seem to.

susan said...

Hey gfid - I can understand this being outside during the good weather but are you so far north it's 24-7 daylight there? Do you never come inside you look at your computer. Maybe I sould send you a long extension cord? Just missing you, that's all. Hope you're having a good time :-)

susan said...

ps - the new story can wait ;-)

gfid said...

su - not quite 24/7. i had my housewarming party on the 21st of June. it was dark for a couple of hours. we sat around the fire all night. the last guest went home @ 5:30 the next morning. it was a wonderful party.

kate smudges said...

Oh that it good! Raven is a wonderful writer ... love her suggestions. Glad that your son didn't get through boot camp ...

Missing our emails ... I hope your summer is going well and that the renovations are done! How was the party?

gfid said...

kate - we're all glad he didn't make it too. he injured his knees and they sent him home. renos not finished, but the worst over for now, and the place is quite liveable now.