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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

you might be a redneck

if you've driven around with a toilet in the back of your truck for so long that you forgot it was there....

you might be a redneck

so the truth is out. i have to come clean. i guess i'm a redneck. the toilet in question came out of my main floor half-bath.

which is still toilet-less.

but it was cracked, and i had to hire a plumber to change some pipes for the kitchen reno, and the reno of the upstairs bath.... so i asked him to take it and the ratty old sink beside it out. (still sink-less too) there are 2 brand new low flow toilets, still in boxes, stacked in the sink-less, toilet-less bathroom, awaiting installation of the new floors in both baths before they can go in.

so, the toilet. i got the plumber to help me move it from the front step (cuz i didn't want to LOOK like a redneck, and the neighbors might object) to the box of my pickup, for disposal. but every trip to the landfill costs me $10, so i thought i'd wait till i had a full load at least. there's carpet to tear up still.

then all hell broke loose at work, and i nearly fired 2 staff members. probably should have, but i really NEED a holiday (which began today) and they're both disabled in some way, so i try to be .... what? stupid, maybe...... it's an authority issue, so it'll come back, and i may have to fire them anyway. but, first, i get my holiday.

so, with that, and trying to get the kitchen back into functioning state (new cabinets are in) i really did forget about the toilet in the back of my truck. the truck box has a hard cover, so the thing's not sitting proudly back there making a spectacle of itself. it's laying on its side, with the cover almost closed, as the toilet's just a tad bigger than the depth of the box...... cover tied down with a bit of string i happened to have behind the seat. (if you can always find a bit of string or wire or rope behind your truck seat, you might be a redneck) .... and a 6 inch gap through which there's an occasional gleam of white porcelain.

meanwhile, i got a panicky call from a young bride, whose wedding violinist had cancelled. 3 days before the wedding. was i available? k. sure. i can do that for you. i know the repertoire. rehearsal and wedding at the brand spankin' new ginormous catholic church.

on the natal day, off in the furthest corner of the parking lot, if you were looking, you might have seen a rusty little red ford ranger pull in, with the hardtop on the box tied shut with a piece of twine, and a used toilet peeking from under it. as the door opened, a middle aged woman in fromal concert black stepped out, reached back in for a violin case, and strode purposefully to the church.

which is magnificent

she joined the pianist in playing Pachelbel's Canon in D as the gorgeous bridal party made its solemn way up the sun dappled aisle under majestic gothic arches towards the massive stained glass windows, under the reverent eyes of the priest. it was a beautiful wedding.

then she packed up her violin, and strode, in formal concert black, back to the furthest corner of the parking lot, where awaited the rusty little ford ranger, with the used toilet in the back, protected partially from the public eye by a frayed piece of twine. and she drove her toilet home.

some twisted part of my psyche finds the whole thing humorous. though others may not. and, i did try to be discreet, but i couldn't park too far away. it was HOT out, and i can't walk far in those shoes. ..... but i wonder if someone noticed, and if that's why i haven't yet been paid...?

so... the toilet.....i didn't want to dispose of it at the ReStore. firstly, we don't take used toilets, for a number of reasons, and, secondly, we pay for our dumping, and i don't want to set an example, for employees to bring their oversized trash there for 'free' dumping. so finally, as, with all-hell-breaking-loose-at-work, i was getting no further with renovations (and, specifically, tearing up of carpets) any time soon, i asked the maintenance guy at my condo if it was acceptable to put such things in the communal dumpster. he replied, "not really, but everyone does it, so, here, let me give you a hand with that." and after 2 weeks of driving around with a toilet i wasn't sure what to do with, it was gone.

life is never dull. a bit weird at times, but never dull.


susan said...

This is a very good story but you're never in a million years going to convince me you're anywhere within spitting distance of being a redneck. For one thing, you can spell. If you wanted to write the word that starts with 'm' and means idiot I know for sure you wouldn't type 'moran'. Besides, wouldn't you have to be going to the dump with one cracked toilet only to drive home with three others in the back of your truck?

I hope you're enjoying a very long and relaxing holiday. It sounds as though you have your work cut out for yourself whether at home or at the ReStore. Now that your truck is lightened up a bit maybe you and Maestro should head out for a little kayaking while the weather is still good. I think you need some fun in the wilderness :-)

Seraphine said...

i love pachelbel's canon in d. it could be in b, e or f and i wouldn't know but i still love it. it's very pretty.

and despite not being an expert in rednecking, i'm pretty sure the toilet in your truck had to be upright to qualify. what else is the dog in the back of your truck going to drink out of?

just saying.

do you ever feel like breaking into some rasputina while playing classical music? transylvanian concubine perhaps? it would be a great transition from pachelbel.

if you were a redneck, you would have paid ten dollars to visit the dump because you can find good shit (stuff) to take home from the dump.

playing the fiddle while standing on a heap of trash would make a great music video.

just saying.

gfid said...

su - k. perhaps not the stereotypical redneck, but definitely blue collar roots. .... or is that routes? ruets? ;0) am looking for a life jacket for puppy. he was too small @ first, to fit those i found, but is now 13 lb and expanding quickly. and he took some coaching to learn that i'm not edible, so i wasn't keen to be a captive audience (meal) in a small boat with him for a bit. he's much gentler now. yes.... fun.... i think i remember fun.

sera - i do the Pachelbel in C on my harp. though i've been playing/teaching it for years, i still love it. guess i really don't get the redneck seal of approval... not only is toilet not upright, but dog is in cab with a seatbelt harness. and yes, i love music that fuses classics with funky. but hard to find like-minded others to play it with. and holy crow, sera!!!!! how'd you get in my head? i had a dream years ago about jewels hidden in trash.... it would make an amazing music video!

lindsaylobe said...

Lovely piece of Music “Canon D “

Here are a few lines to attempt some humor.

Redneck Fiddler

Everything fine with Granny-fiddler
The truth is about to all come out
About her loo on the back of her pick- up
Redneck lady drinks wine from a glass

One day she hired a plumber
The best her money could buy
To remove for her, her old toilet
Into her pickup her loo did pass
To the tip she was heard to remark

But in her state of confusion
As worries came all to the fore
Nearly firing all of her staff
Dreams of places away from the store
While the loo remained firmly rooted
Where first placed many months before

But after playing bridal fine music
Her mind now fully restored
Remembered ! - the Loo ! tis in her pickup
Into the dumpster said she with glee
For It’s nay, nay, never a redneck no longer no more !

clairesgarden said...

you made me laugh! I think it would be essential to park you car where everybody could see it, getting out with your eveing gown on......its a sign of 'character'. and one few people can pull off!!

jozien said...

I laugh
I always wonder how people actually can do it, live such busy lives, but now i know; they carry there toilets in their truck, at least they don't have to stop for a pee.

Zee said...

I utterly enjoyed reading your story, but I have to say "sorry" - I have been in similar situations before. Does that grant me the honor of redneckhood?

gfid said...

lindsay - ....'and it's no! nay! never! nay, never no more! will i play redneck fiddle! no, never, no more!'

claire - perhaps you're right.... but they still haven't paid me........

jozien - lol! perhaps i should add a cot or a hammock? maybe a beer fridge?

zee - perhaps you have earned the honor.... 'course, we'll have to have a look at your neck first.... and the box of your truck.

Seraphine said...

we went to reno last weekend. about 30 miles from reno, as we were coming down from the sierras, traffic stopped. they were doing road construction. i think there might have been an accident also, because a firetruck and a towtruck drive by with their emergency lights on. it took two hours to drive 5 miles. At one point, i had to pee so bad, i couldn't hold still.
it would have been awesome if we had a toilet in the back. does that make me a redneck?
luckily, we finally found a single outhouse by the side of the road, and I made it just in time.

there are some coins that survive from the time of cleopatra. The engraved image of her depicts a very large "hooked" nose and a thick neck.
your friend may have been correct in observing: "she liked her grub."
standards of beauty have changed over the centuries. indeed, even today, definitions of beauty change in different parts of the world, and from culture to culture.
In a time (69 bc) when physical labor was still physical labor (before mechanized industrialization), most people likely were very thin-looking. Having enough to eat was no doubt a beautiful thing to behold.

gfid said...

sera - i think we touched on Nevada on a trip to the Grand Canyon years ago, though didn't hit Reno. pretty amazing part of the world. i especially enjoyed the ancient cave villages of the Anastazi (sp?) people..... the universe is listening! an outhouse when you most need one! ...fat is beautiful. by Cleo's standards i'm getting better looking all of the time :0)

susan said...

I've also read reports by paleontologists that people were much taller, stronger (thicker bones), and generally healthier before they started farming. Make me wonder why they bothered especially considering that when white people got to North America not that long ago the continent had been cared for but never farmed.

As far as standards of beauty are concerned it was noted by art historians that for hundreds of years wealthy women had been portrayed by portrait artists as having a slightly green cast. It was only discovered by happenstance that women who were corsetted had livers folded double. Now that's unattractive.

gfid said...

su - i heard another spin on the hunter / gatherer 'type' some while ago.... to do with Attention Deficit Disorder. the 'disability' appears to be much more prevalent in nomads / hunter - gatherers or descendants of these. the theory is that it's not a disorder at all, but a genetically programmed survival trait. Mnemao on the savanna had better chance of survival and hunting success if his attention was never fixated on anything and he kept moving, thus the short attention span and high activity level.

folded liver.... eurgh! no wonder women had such a high mortality rate, and were so 'delicate'. makes me very glad to be a sturdy girl with a toolbelt.

susan said...

Yeah, humans evolved over the course of millions of years and were definitely in recognizable social groupings by 250k years ago. Now those traits which sustained us need to be medicated. What a wacky world.

You look wonderful with that toolbelt!

lindsaylobe said...

Yes I know that but as I didn’t want to have to acknowledge the ‘ Wild Rover’ whose origins are contested I tried I tried to finish it off in keeping with my originality with that somewhat vague reference – do you play the folk tune the ‘wild rover’ these days ?
Best wishes

susan said...

3 more sleeps :-)

L'Adelaide said...

what an hysterical story you weave! had me laughing out loud. and the redneck part? no way, honey, never will i buy that one even if you drive a pick up with an old toilet tucked within....
once we went to get a christmas tree, cut one from a farm-- so we took our pickup. and was i horrified to see we had a dead calf in our truck bed that had yet to be disposed of and was "forgotten"? not on your life!!! now, whose the redneck, haha!

thanks for stopping by my old blog ... always very nice to see you, like minds that we are ;)

susan said...

We saw rednecks in northern Ontario as well as in the US and, no, you absolutely don't qualify :-)

btw - We're in Fredericton and likely held up for a day because there's a hurricane forecast between here and there tomorrow :-(

gfid said...

Linda and Su - sometimes it's hard to tell where the blue collar ends, and the red neck begins.... though, @ the ReStore, we don't even have collars... the staff uniform is a Habitat for Humanity t-shirt & jeans!