from Stuart McLean's
The Vinyl Cafe' NotebooksI like winter, so I am always excited to see it come. I like to ski and to skate, and on a good night, I even like to shovel snow. There is a lot to enjoy in winter - fires and hot chocolate to name a few others - but ever winter, by this time, no matter how happy i was at the beginning, I begin to wonder if maybe the fires and the hot chocolate are the best part of it, if the best part of being cold is getting warm.
There have been Marches in my life when I have wondered if I am solar-powered. By the beginning of every March, I always feel like I need more sun than I have been getting. And although I enjoy winter, I would be lying if I didn't tell you there have been Februarys when I have wondered if I wouldn't have been happier as a bear, so I could hibernate. Now there's a bit of genetic modification that someone should take a close look at. Do we really need to clone sheep?
If a geneticist truly wanted to make a contribution, she should take a look at hibernation. I you were watching late-night television, and someone come on and offered a hibernating gene for three easy payments of - well, I am betting she could just about name her price - I for one would be reaching for my cheque-book. Imagine a day in November, when it has been raining since dawn. It is now four-thirty in the afternoon, and getting dark, and you are standing in the kitchen looking at a wet dog, when someone comes on the television and says, Would you like to go to bed for three months? I'm reaching for my pyjamas, calling the kids into the bedroom and telling them this: i am going to slow my heart down to about a beat a minute, and there is nothing in the world you are going to be able to do to stir me. I am not going to wake up until April, and when I do, I am going to be cranky, and hungry, so you better be careful.
I don't care what the kids do. The kids can stay up if they want. That's what they always want to do anyway. They can do science experiments on me as far as I care. They can stick my hand in a bucket of warm water to see what happens; makes no matter, I am just going to keep on snoring.
How much would I pay for that gene? I don't know, but I know I'd be buying.
I think my plan would be to get up just in time for the playoffs, which is pretty much how it works anyway.